I Was a 'Bad' Mom — Here's What I'd Do Differently

Hey there, fellow moms! 👋

Let me start by saying this: I love my kids more than life itself. I always have. But looking back, I can honestly say that I wasn’t the kind of mom I wanted to be — or the kind my kids truly needed — in those early years. I was a young mom, I had my oldest when I was 22. I feel like she and I grew up together. There also wasn't as much information as readily available as what we have now. I want to share my experience with you so you can make more informed choices than what I could make.

I wasn’t “bad” in the sense of neglect or harm, but I was a mom who stressed over the wrong things, missed out on meaningful moments, and tried so hard to be “enough” that I missed the point entirely.

If you're a new mom, or maybe a mom in the thick of it like I once was, here’s what I wish someone had told me. Maybe it'll help you give yourself permission to slow down and choose differently.

1. I Focused on Things That Didn’t Really Matter

I used to obsess over the things that looked good on the outside — clean clothes, perfect hair, matching socks, organic snacks packed in Bento boxes. I wanted everything to appear "just right" because I thought it meant I was doing things right. A lot of what I was focused on was what other people thought.

What I’ve learned:

• Your kid won’t remember their outfit — they’ll remember your attitude that morning.

• Perfection doesn’t make you a better mom. Being present does.

• It doesn't matter what other people think!!! Do what works best for you and your family.

• Choose experiences over things. They won't necessarily remember a certain toy, but they will remember that cool park you took them to.

2. I Stressed Over Grades More Than Growth

I thought good grades were the golden ticket to a successful future. I pushed hard for A’s, drilled spelling words at bedtime, and lectured over every missed point on a quiz. I realized that I put this pressure on my kids because it was something I was passionate about. My 2 girls, who were in middle and high school when I was getting my school counselor degree, wished that I would have been a school counselor when they were in middle and high school because I wouldn't have focused so much on their grades because I would have so many other students to worry about. I don't focus on my son as much as I did on them because I have more knowledge. That's the thing about parenting, you learn so much as you go.

Looking back, I missed the mark.

• I didn’t ask enough how they were feeling about school. There was a time in my oldest daughter's school experience where she was legitimately getting bullied. A lot of kids say they are getting bullied, but in reality someone was just mean or rude to them. Bullying has to be a consistent problem even when you have told someone to stop. I didn't fully understand at that time what was happening to my daughter and I didn't stand up for her like I should have.

• I made them think their value was tied to performance. This is one of the biggest mistakes that I made with my daughters. They put so much value into how they perform instead of how hard they are working towards something. Of course it is important to perform well, but it is also important to let your kids know when they have put in a lot of hard work and for them to be proud about that work.

What I wish I’d focused on:

• A love of learning. I love to learn new things! I don't think everyone feels that way and it is important to recognize that we are all different and try to find something that sparks your child's interest and incorporate that into how and why they should learn new things.

• Resilience after mistakes. Mistakes are actually awesome and are what make us better people. If none of us ever made mistakes, life would be super boring. It's what we do after we make mistakes that is the important step. Learning and growing from mistakes is so important. Being an example of learning and growing from mistakes is so important for your children to see in action from you! When you make a mistake, talk through it. It may seem silly, but your child is learning from you all the time. If you can say "I made a mistake and this is how I am going to fix it" they will see that and model that behavior.

• Building confidence in their own unique pace. All of us are different. My first kid was born being 12 years old already. She has always acted older than her age. My second kid had a harder time adjusting to life. She needed constant reassurance for everything she did. Did I handle that well after having a kid that was sure about everything? Definitely not! I should have been much more patient and let her move at her own pace.

3. I Didn’t Make My Kids Do Chores

It felt easier to do it all myself. I told myself I was “taking care of them,” but really, I was robbing them of responsibility and independence. I was better at making my two older kids do chores than my 3rd kid. It was just so much easier to get things done faster and "my way" when I started working full time.

What happened:

• They grew up not knowing how to clean up after themselves.

• They expected things to be done for them.

• I feel burnt out and resentful.

Now I know:

• Chores teach ownership, teamwork, and pride.

• Helping out is a form of love, not punishment.

One thing I have been good at is making my kids do their own laundry. When each of them was about 8, I taught them how to do their laundry and they had to then do it for themselves. That has been such an amazing thing to see, them being responsible for their own clothing. If they don't have clean clothes, they can't blame me! They also understand the value of the clothes more I think.

4. I Over Scheduled My Kids (And Myself)

Soccer. Dance. Camps. Playdates. Church. Piano. French Tutoring. Repeat. I wanted them to be well-rounded and "involved" — but what we really needed was rest. Both my girls started tutoring other kids in French when they were in 6th grade. I thought it was important for them to not only use their French and help others in the neighborhood, but also earn their own money. I think it was a great character building thing for them but I also think they were way too over scheduled and didn't have enough time to do kid things. They both have amazing work ethic as older teens and young adult, but almost to their detriment. I have made them workaholics.

The cost of all that busyness?

• Family dinners disappeared. I lived in my car. I was constantly running kids around everywhere. The younger kids were exhausted from being in the car and I was always grumpy.

• We were always rushing. It gives me anxiety to be late anywhere. So I was always hurrying my kids along and it was overwhelming for me and for them.

• My kids were exhausted — and so was I.

Today I believe:

• Boredom isn’t a problem — it’s a gift. Kids need to have time to be kids. They need time to hang out with their friends and just do random stuff. Let them enjoy being kids while they can.

• Margin in your day creates space for connection. I did enjoy having car time with my kids because I felt like that was when they told me about their days. But I also felt like we had too much time in the car.

5. I Forgot to Slow Down and Just Be With My Kids

The to-do list ran my life. I missed out on couch cuddles, backyard talks, and bedtime chats because I was folding laundry or cleaning up the kitchen. I felt like my house needed to be spotless. This was something from my childhood that I felt like I had to do, when in reality it doesn't matter what your house looks like as long as you are comfortable there. So now, my house is not perfect by any means. It is not super messy either. It is comfortable for me.

Now that my kids are older, I’d give anything to go back and sit with them a little longer, listen more, and laugh harder. Enjoy those small moments with your family. People said the time would go by fast and I didn't believe them. When you are in the hard part of child raising it seems like the stages are going to last forever. But they don't. Just enjoy every step, even when things are hard.

Final Thoughts: Grace, Not Guilt

If you’re reading this and feeling that twinge of guilt, let me say: You’re not a bad mom. You’re just doing your best — and now you know more. Move on from the hard and bad things and embrace the good things.

The beauty of motherhood is that it’s never too late to change how you show up.

We all have “bad mom” moments. But being willing to grow from them? That’s what makes us good moms after all.

Have you had a moment like this as a mom? I’d love to hear your story in the comments. Let’s stop pretending we have it all together — and start helping each other grow. ❤️